"So...There's a Rattlesnake on My Porch..."

A friend of my in-laws' - and a native Bostonian - moved to San Antonio, Texas for his medical residency. One afternoon, he glanced out the front window of his home and saw a rattlesnake relaxing on his front porch. He quickly picked up the phone and called 911 (as I too would do).

I'm pretty sure a squirt gun wasn't
what the 911 dispatcher had in mind.

911 Dispatcher: "What can we do for you, sir?"

Man: "There's a rattlesnake on my front porch."

911 Dispatcher: "Alright."
Man: "What should I do?"
911 Dispatcher (in a tone that implied the man should already know the answer to his own question): "Get your gun!"
Man: "But I don't have a gun!"
911 Dispatcher: "Where you from?!"

The man hung up on the 911 dispatcher and called the County Sheriff's Office.

Sheriff's Office Dispatcher: "What can we do for you, sir?"

Man: "There's a rattlesnake on my front porch."

Sheriff's Office Dispatcher: "Alright."
Man: "What should I do?"
Sheriff's Office Dispatcher: "Get your gun!"
Man: "But I don't have a gun!"
Sheriff's Office Dispatcher: "Where you from?!"

Frustration crept in as the man hung up on the Sheriff's Office dispatcher and called the Highway Patrol.

If you can believe it (and I swear this story is true), the man had the EXACT SAME CONVERSATION with the Highway Patrol dispatcher AND with Animal Control. Animal Control, unlike the other public safety/service organizations, agreed to come out to the man's house and remove the snake from the front porch. But after all that, the snake slithered away a few minutes before Animal Control arrived and was never seen or heard from again.

I'd say the odds are good that the man went out and bought himself a gun as soon as it was safe to leave the house by way of the front porch...

Disclaimer: I don't actually know if the man bought a gun or not. He may have just finished his residency as fast as possible and moved the heck out of Snake Antonio.