True Teenager

Last week, Hallie shared with me that while she was excited for her birthday, she wasn't excited to turn 14. When I asked for clarification, she explained that when you turn 13, you're just a "baby teenager," but when you turn 14, you're a "true teenager." She went on to add that turning 14 would mean she was truly entrenched in her teen years as well as being - as she dreads almost every year - one year closer to becoming a grown up. 

Funny thing is, I wrote almost the exact same assessment about turning 14 in Will's birthday blog post just two-and-a-half years ago.

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When they turn 13, we label them teenagers. But they're new to the gig, so it's easy to fool ourselves into believing they're basically still little kids. 

But when they turn 14, they become solidly teenager. They didn't just leave behind the sweet young age of 12; instead, they're only a year away from sitting in the driver's seat of a car. 

On Sunday my baby turns 14 years old. It doesn't seem possible.

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If you've read any of Hallie's past birthday posts - at least those from the last three or four years - you know she has little interest in growing up. One might assume she feels this way because she's afraid of change, however the longer she harbors and the more I deconstruct these feelings, the more I understand that this isn't the case. Hallie isn't afraid of change; she simply, in a wise-beyond-her-years sort of way, recognizes and appreciates the beauty of childhood. Where many (most?) of us don't arrive at this conclusion until childhood has come to an end, she has seemingly always known just how precious and fleeting these years are, and that she can never go back.

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For someone who doesn't want to grow up, Hallie has kind of an old soul. She likes quiet evenings at home, working on projects with her dad, baking with her mom, playing games with her brother, and snuggling her kittens. She would almost always choose smaller, intimate gatherings with her closest friends than large, rowdy social events. She cares little about appearances and popularity, and while I wouldn't describe her as completely confident in her own skin, she manages to give that impression most of the time. 

Hallie is trustworthy, as a friend and as a confidant. She is open-minded and accepting, of differences and of choices. She is compassionate and kind, even at times - no, especially at times - when I struggle to be the same. She is a rule-follower, harboring just the tiniest spark of rebellion...rebellion that flares only in the direst of situations and when the marginalized or hurt need her fire.

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Unlike so many of her peers and even some of her friends, she's not dreaming about high school, dating, or getting her driver's license. I know these days are coming, as are the days when her dreams grow even bigger to include college, her first job, lasting relationships, and starting a family. I want all of this for her - I want her to grow up, proudly and confidently, and I want her to follow her dreams - when she's ready. In the meantime, I'm just fine with her staying little for just a little while longer. 

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11 years ago I began the tradition (2012, 2013, 2014, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, 2020, 2021, 2022) of sharing a song - one that reminds me of her and encompasses what I hope for her as she grows older - with Hallie on her birthday. This year's song came to me in a dream - a dream no doubt prompted by all of the Taylor Swift posts showing up on my social media feeds right now - and it seemed perfect for the stage of life in which my sweet girl finds herself.

 

Your little hand's wrapped around my finger

And it's so quiet in the world tonight

Your little eyelids flutter 'cause you're dreamin'

So I tuck you in, turn on your favorite night light

To you, everything's funny

You got nothing to regret

I'd give all I have honey

If you could stay like that

Oh, darlin', don't you ever grow up
Don't you ever grow up
Just stay this little
Oh, darlin', don't you ever grow up
Don't you ever grow up
It could stay this simple
I won't let nobody hurt you
Won't let no one break your heart
And no one will desert you
Just try to never grow up
Never grow up

You're in the car on the way to the movies
And you're mortified your mom's droppin' you off
At fourteen, there's just so much you can't do
And you can't wait to move out someday and call your own shots
But don't make her drop you off around the block
Remember that she's gettin' older too
And don't lose the way that you dance
Around in your PJs getting ready for school

Oh, darlin', don't you ever grow up
Don't you ever grow up
Just stay this little
Oh, darlin', don't you ever grow up
Don't you ever grow up
It could stay this simple
And no one's ever burned you
Nothing's ever left you scarred
And even though you want to
Just try to never grow up

Take pictures in your mind of your childhood room
Memorize what it sounded like when your dad gets home
Remember the footsteps, remember the words said
And all your little brother's favorite songs
I just realized everything I have is someday gonna be gone

So here I am in my new apartment
In a big city, they just dropped me off
It's so much colder than I thought it would be
So I tuck myself in and turn my nightlight on

Wish I'd never grown up
I wish I'd never grown up

Oh, I don't wanna grow up
Wish I'd never grown up
Could still be little
Oh, I don't wanna grow up
Wish I'd never grown up
It could still be simple
Oh, darlin', don't you ever grow up
Don't you ever grow up
Just stay this little

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Big or little, grown or not, you make us nothing but proud, Hallie Claire. Happy 14th birthday.

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This post takes the place of my usual Tuesday post. See you on Friday!