My heart hurt when Will turned five. My first child, my baby…suddenly a whole hand old. My heart hurts again today, as Hallie reaches that same chronological milestone. My last child, my baby…suddenly a whole hand old.
In my weaker moments, the weight of this realization brings me to my knees.
But then I catch a glimpse of her, singing and dancing and laughing and unintentionally but undoubtedly brightening every little corner of the world she touches. I stand, dry my tears, and smile. I remind myself that along with the hurt, there is room in my heart for pride, peace, and love.
Tom and I wanted a second child. But like most parents, we wondered - worried even - about whether or not we could love a second child as much as we loved our first. When Hallie came into this world she was ANGRY. As in screamed-for-two-hours-straight angry, even through the doctors and nurses assured us there was absolutely nothing wrong with her. One nurse told us that in all her years working in labor and delivery she'd never seen a baby angrier to have been born. Strangely enough, this act of stubbornness and display of raw emotion endeared her to Tom and me. It was as if she wouldn't accept us as her parents until we'd made an effort to prove we loved her. To prove we had enough room in our hearts for her. On that first day she pushed and pulled until she tore apart and ultimately rebuilt my heart so that along with the hurt, there would be room in my heart for pride, peace, and love.
Hallie gave me the gift of a bigger, stronger, more compassionate heart, and I will spend the rest of my days using it to love her.
Two years ago I began the tradition (2012, 2013) of sharing a song - one that reminded me of her and what I hope for her as she grows older - with Hallie on her birthday. Below is the song I chose for Hallie this year, the year she turned five.
It's not that unusual,
When everything is beautiful.
It's just another
Ordinary miracle today.
The sky knows when it's time to snow,
Don't need to teach a seed to grow.
It's just another
Ordinary miracle today.
Life is like a gift, they say,
Wrapped up for you everyday.
Open up, and find a way
To give some of your own.
Isn't it remarkable?
Like everytime a raindrop falls.
It's just another
Ordinary miracle today.
The birds in winter have their fling,
And always make it home by spring.
It's just another
Ordinary miracle today.
When you wake up everyday,
Please don't throw your dreams away.
Hold them close to your heart,
'Cause we are all a part
Of the ordinary miracle.
Do you want to see a miracle?
It seems so exceptional,
That things work out after all.
It's just another
Ordinary miracle today.
The sun comes out and shines so bright,
And disappears again at night.
It's just another
Ordinary miracle today.
It's just another
Ordinary miracle today.
Take time to recognize the simple beauty - a sprouting seed, a falling raindrop, the rising sun - around you. Appreciate and embrace the ordinary in this extraordinary life. And above all else, remember that YOU are my miracle.
Happy fifth birthday, Hallie Claire.
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