I cried when I found out at my 20-week ultrasound that Hallie was a girl. Not tears of joy - though we of course praised the Lord she appeared healthy - but tears of disappointment. My life with two boys felt comfortable and safe, and I assumed walking into that appointment that I would simply add one more boy to the household and remain the Queen of Everything. 😉 Despite the fact that I am (spoiler alert) a girl myself and grew up with only a sister, I could not wrap my head around giving birth to a daughter or how our family would change with the addition of another female. Looking back on that day now, I know my feelings rose up from my deeply rooted aversion to change: a boy felt familiar while a girl felt foreign, and I thought I needed the familiar and couldn't handle the foreign.
I knew on the day of that ultrasound that Hallie Claire would change my life, but I didn't yet know how.
Nine years later, she brings me extraordinary joy. Every single day she makes me smile in response to an animated story or laugh at a funny joke. She surprises me with her generous offers to help around the house and tender care of her brother. She shows me that her intelligence can be seen not just in her test scores and report card grades, but in her creativity and ingenuity. She unknowingly and unintentionally calls on me to live up to my own daily request of her: work hard and be kind.
Nine years later she also brings me tremendous angst. Every single day she compels me to search the depths of my soul for unending patience. She expects me to answer difficult questions and solve life's most complicated problems. She challenges me to communicate more clearly and show more compassion. She reminds me that she is not her brother in any way, shape, or form and that anything I learned about parenting from caring for him won't work with her. She shows me that I still don't quite understand her...that in many ways she is still foreign to me.
But foreign isn't bad.
Foreign asks us to look at life differently, to appreciate what was always there but hidden from view or misunderstood.
Six years ago I began the tradition (2012, 2013, 2014, 2015, 2016, 2017) of sharing a song - one that reminds me of her and encompasses what I hope for her as she grows older - with Hallie on her birthday. I usually know Hallie's songs by the end of the first time I hear them, primarily because they bring tears to my eyes. I heard Better Place for the first time when all of the massive televisions in the electronics department at Target began playing the music video, and by the time Rachel had finished the first refrain I was weeping uncontrollably in the DVD aisle. When I know, I know.
I'll tell the world, I'll sing a song
It's a better place since you came along
Since you came along
Your touch is sunlight through the trees
Your kisses are the ocean breeze
Everything's alright when you're with me
And I hold my favorite thing
I hold the love that you bring
But it feels like I've opened my eyes again
And the colors are golden and bright again
There's a song in my heart, I feel like I belong
It's a better place since you came along
It's a better place since you came along
I see the whole world in your eyes
It's like I've known you all my life
We just feel so right
So I pour my heart into your hands
It's like you really understand
You love the way I am
And I hold my favorite thing
I hold the happiness you bring
But it feels like I've opened my eyes again
And the colors are golden and bright again
And the sun paints the skies and the wind sings our song
It's a better place since you came along
It's a better place since you came along
Now I'm alright
Now I'm alright
Everything's alright
'Cause it feels like I've opened my eyes again
And the colors are golden and bright again
There's a song in my heart, I feel like I belong
It's a better place since you came along
It's a better place since you came along
Watch this video. It's beautiful.
Sadly, I spent much of the first two-and-a-half years of motherhood in a postpartum depression fog. I emerged around the time Will turned 18 months old, but could not fully return to a state of happiness because by that time I had begun worrying about a recurrence after the birth of a second child.
And then Hallie arrived.
Foreign asks us to look at life differently, to appreciate what was always there but hidden from view or misunderstood. Hallie asked me to look at life differently, to appreciate what was always there but hidden from view or misunderstood. And when I responded to her request, she showed me vibrant color and simple beauty. She woke the song in my heart from its slumber. She touched me and I felt sunlight, she kissed me and I felt the ocean breeze. Back then and still today, everything is alright when she's with me. She made my world a better place, and I believe the rest of the world will someday feel her gifts as well.
Happy 9th birthday, baby girl. Mama loves every single thing about you.
* A huge and heartfelt thank you to Shannon Morton of Shannon Morton Photography here in College Station for these stunning pictures of my dancing girl.
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