Monday, April 15, 2013

The Tax Man Cometh

If you've already mailed your taxes, you're probably interested in a little tax day humor. If you're mailing your taxes today, you're probably NOT interested in a little tax day humor; if you're mailing your taxes today you're probably only interested in getting the heck out of the post office, where you've been waiting in line for the last 358 minutes.

I'm really lucky when it comes to doing my taxes. Lucky in the sense that I don't do them. My dad is an accountant, so I've never once filled out my own tax returns. When the documents come in the mail, I package them up and mail them to my dad. When he finishes my taxes, he mails them back to me with cute little stickers marking where Tom and I need to sign. We sign, I put the documents in an envelope (which my dad has already addressed for me - I know, I'm like eight years old), drop everything off at the post office, swear to never take Hallie with me to the post office again, and then completely forget about taxes until the following January when the documents once again start arriving in the mail.

Please understand, I'm not taking advantage of my dad. I always send a thank-you note when my taxes are done and buy him a thank-you beer the next time we're together. But more importantly, I'm pretty sure that doing taxes is my dad's third favorite activity (behind waterskiing and tending his backyard compost pile), which means that if you really break it down, I'm actually giving him a gift by letting him do my taxes. You're welcome, Dad.

On a related note, I've always enjoyed Saturday Night Live. (You'll see how SNL relates to taxes in a minute, I promise. Just stick with me.) I began watching the program in middle school because it was "the thing to do" on Saturday nights, and then I secretly continued watching throughout high school and college, even though at that point my friends warned me that doing so would damage my social status. (My social status in high school was a five out of 10 at best, so I didn't lose a lot of sleep worrying about the negative effects my television watching would have on my popularity.) I still watch SNL now, which I think makes me kind of cool, not because the show itself is cool, but because watching means I'm still awake at 10:30pm on Saturday nights. And in my house, I'm the only one awake at 10:30pm on Saturday nights. So I'm the coolest.

One of my all-time favorite skits - "You Can Be a Millionaire and Never Pay Taxes" - was first performed by Steve Martin in 1978 (I saw it in reruns in the early 90's). It's perfect humor for today, so here you go...

(I'm fairly certain a video of this skit doesn't exist - I searched for hours - but if you know of one, please share!)

You Can Be a Millionaire and Never Pay Taxes!

You...can be a millionaire...and never pay taxes! You can be a millionaire...and never pay taxes!

You say...“ can I be a millionaire...and never pay taxes?” First...get a million dollars. say, “Steve...what do I say to the tax man when he comes to my door and says, ‘You...have never paid taxes'?”

Two simple words. Two simple words in the English language: “I forgot!”

Ok. So just reading the skit isn't as funny as watching Steve Martin deliver the lines "live". But when my parents and I watched this skit for the first time we all three burst out laughing and I still pull out Steve Martin-ish versions of the "I forgot!" line whenever I'm around my parents or sister. Or whenever I forget to buy my dad that thank-you beer and instead just bring him a beer from his own refrigerator.

Happy tax day, friends!  (And you're the best, Dad!)

No comments:

Post a Comment