Monday, February 11, 2013

Kids Say...

It's Monday, and like Garfield, I'm grumpy, tired, and longing for lasagna. I'd love to spend the day curled up on the couch with a good book (I'm about to finish The Lost Years by Mary Higgins Clark, and I have The Witch's Daughter by Paula Brackston and The Host by Stephenie Meyer waiting for me on my nightstand), a bowl of popcorn, and a bag of M&M's. But because if I don't start Monday off right - as far as my physical fitness, healthy eating, and overall productivity are concerned - the rest of my week will be kind of a bust (I know this from experience), I'm off to the gym and then on to running errands with my gal Hal.

Whenever I'm in need of a pick-me-up I visit our family blog to read stories about, look at pictures of, and watch videos of my kids when they were younger and chubbier and couldn't pronounce words correctly and didn't glare at me whenever I pointed the lens of my camera in their general direction.  So that's what I'm going this morning, before I head off to the gym, that is. In hopes that these cheer me up and might make you smile on this dreary Monday, here are a few of my favorite phrases spoken and questions asked by my kids throughout the 18 months.

Pretty Girl
Will, Hallie, and I were sitting in the car, waiting in line to gain entry to a parking garage. A young women - likely a college student - was collecting money at the gate. As we crept closer and Will could see her out his window, he commented to me that he thought she was pretty. I knew that if I was that young woman I would appreciate knowing that a sweet little boy thought I was pretty, so when I finally reached the entrance to the parking garage I told her what Will had said.

Erin: I have to tell you, as we were pulling up my son (gesturing to Will in the back seat) told me he thought you were very pretty.
Young Woman: Really?!
Erin: Yes. I just thought you'd like to know.
Young Woman: Thank you!

Then, as we were pulling away but while my window was still down and the young woman was still within earshot, Will yelled at me from the back seat.

Will: MOM?!
Erin: What?
Will: I said she was pretty, not VERY pretty!

He has pretty high standards.

Will and the Dr.
Doctor, Doctor
Will: Grandpa Mike is a doctor.
Erin: You're right.
Will: Grandpa Mike is a surgeon. He does operations on sick people.
Erin: Right again. Your daddy is a doctor too - did you know that?
Will: Yeah, I know. But he's not the money kind (of doctor).

Hallie has recently come into the knowledge that she has a vagina. She LOVES talking about her "bagina", so much so that we've had to restrict talking about that particular body part to when we're in the bathroom. Consequently, whenever she crosses the threshold into the bathroom and right before she exits the bathroom, she shouts "BAGINA" at the top of her lungs. It's been interesting.

Last weekend Hallie and I were in the bathroom together and the following conversation unfolded...

Hallie: BAGINA!
Erin: Hallie, what is a vagina?
Hallie: Um, it's like ko-ko (or co-co - I wasn't sure).
Erin: What do you mean?
Hallie: It's like hot chocolate!
Erin: Oh.

Giant pause while I tried to come up with something to say next.

Hallie: That's why there are flowers on the wall.
Erin: What?
Hallie: And have a big bagina on your butt.

Uncle Jeff's Fan
Uncle Jeff needs the white noise of a box or stand fan to sleep, so the day before he, Sara, and Lily arrived for a visit Hallie and I hunted down and cleaned up our stand fan for him.

Hallie: What you doing?
Erin: Cleaning up the fan for Uncle Jeff.
Hallie: Dat's NOT a big girl bed.
Erin: No, it's not a big girl bed. It's a fan.
Hallie: Hmm. It's a very nice fan.

She finally got them on.
Hallie: (SCREAMING) I want to put on my underwear! – 117 times
Erin: So then put them on.
Hallie: (SCREAMING) I can’t do it!
Erin: So then let me help you.

Will: (doing push-ups) What are these called?
Erin: Push-ups.
Will: I’m really good at push-ups, since I’m so, so strong.
Erin: (doesn’t answer because she’s doing sit-ups)
Will: They sure do hurt my penis though.

Will teaching Lily
how to swordfight.
A Real Sword
Will: (laughing to himself in the backseat) I can’t wait until I get a real sword.
Erin: I don’t think you need a real sword – they’re pretty dangerous.
Will: Well, when I’m 18 I can buy a real sword if I want to.
Erin: I’d really rather you didn’t. I don’t want you to get hurt.
Will: Oh, all right then. But if there’s a battle, I’m going to run right out to the store and buy me a sword.
Erin: Deal. If there’s a battle, you can get a real sword.

Super Powers
Will: Do you want to know what my super power is?
Erin: Sure!
Will: I can be invisible.
Erin: Cool!
Will: What’s your super power?
Erin: I can fly.
Will: No, that’s not it. Your super power is singing while you’re eating. And Dad’s super power is driving with his eyes closed.

Safety Manual
We traveled – via four-hour airplane ride – to Washington for a wedding. Once on the airplane Will required very little of his parents’ time and energy; thanks to his Leapster and a few snacks, we heard from him only when he had to go to the bathroom. Hallie was a different story, needing an endless supply of books, art projects, cartoons, and snacks to distract her from kicking the seat in front of her and screaming at the top of her lungs.

Toward the end of our flight, a restless Hallie desperately wanted Tom to read to her but was less-than-thrilled about the books in her backpack. At that moment she discovered the seatback pocket in front of her, pulled out the safety manual, and handed it to Tom.

Hallie: You read dis.
Tom: (Reads Hallie the entire safety manual while Hallie listens intently.)
Hallie: Now seen (sing) it.
Tom: What?
Hallie: You seen (sing) it to me.

For the remainder of the flight, Tom sang the safety manual – cover to cover – to Hallie. Now if you ever hear her singing about lifeboats or oxygen masks you’ll know why.

Happy Birthday
Will: Mama, I know it’s not your birthday today, but I have a present for you anyway.
Erin: Really? What is it?
Will: It’s a sticker with a number four on it. Because I’m four.
Erin: That’s very nice of you, Will. Thank you.
Will: Whew. Now I don’t have to get you anything for your birthday.

A commercial for Neutrogena’s new Anti-Wrinkle Cream popped up on the television.

Will: Mom! You gotta get that!
Erin: Why?
Will: It’ll make all your wrinkles go away!
Erin: (near tears) Do you think I have a lot of wrinkles?
Will: I don’t know – what are wrinkles?

Tom wore a nice pair of plaid dress shorts and a polo shirt to church. While the choir was singing, Will tugged on my arm and motioned for me to lean down so he could ask me something.

Will: (in a whisper) Mama, why did you let Daddy wear his jammies to church?
Erin: Those aren’t his jammies, Will. Those are his shorts.
Will: Hmm. They look like jammies to me.

Practicing for his learner's permit.
Driving License
Will: Mama, when will I get a driving license?
Erin: When you’re 16.
Will: (defiantly) Ha! I’m going to get a driving license when I’m 15!
Erin: Actually you can get a learner’s permit when you’re 15. You can’t get an actual driver’s license until you’re 16.
Will: How do you get a driving license?
Erin: You have to take two tests – first a written test, and then a driving test with an instructor.
Will: What’s a constructor?
Erin: An instructor is a teacher.
Will: Will you come with me with the constructor?
Erin: No, you have to take the test with just the instructor.
Will: (with tears beginning to well in his eyes) I don’t want to go with the constructor by myself!
Erin: Then you don’t have to. We won’t make you take the test to get a driver’s license. But you can’t get a driver’s license without taking the test. It's the law.
Will: (with tears streaming down his face) But I want a driving license!
Erin: Will, this isn’t something you need to worry about right now.
Tom: Will, how old are you?
Will: (bawling, holds up four fingers)
Tom: So you don’t have to worry about getting your driver’s license for at least 11 years.
Will: (still bawling) Mama, how do you get your kid back after the test?
Erin: Well, I’ll take you to the DMV –
Will: (through sobs) What’s the DMV?
Erin: The Department of Motor Vehicles. (At this point I couldn’t hold it in any longer and I started laughing because the conversation was just so ridiculous, and I had to take a moment to compose myself.) I’ll take you to the DMV, you’ll take your tests, and then we’ll leave together.
Will: Did you have to take the tests?
Erin: Yes. Grandma Brenda took me to the DMV and waited while I took my tests; then we drove home together.
Will: How do you find your kid after the tests?
Erin: Moms wait in the lobby for their kids.
Will: What’s a lobby?
Erin: A room where people wait for other people or to be called for appointments.
Will: Are there chairs?
Erin: Yes, there are chairs.
Will: (having calmed down and gotten undressed for his bath) Look Mama! I’m buck naked!

Happy Monday, friends.  I hope your day is a great one!


  1. Laughed til I cried on this one!

  2. love it! Just what I needed after my Monday. Now if only Tuesday were already over...

  3. What a hoot. Your kids will love rereading all these to their kids.